By Rahil Gangjee
If golf ever becomes an Olympic sport for “creative writing on the spot,” India would sweep gold, silver, bronze, and the consolation prize in a playoff. Because when it comes to excuses for a bad round, no one — and I mean no one — can match the Indian golfer.
We don’t just say excuses, we craft them. We marinate them overnight in self-pity, season with a pinch of drama, and garnish with just enough self-deprecation to make it palatable to the fourball.
So, dear reader, allow me to present — with due reverence — The Great Indian Golf Excuse Book. Think of it as your ready reckoner when the scorecard looks like a crime scene and you need something, anything, to keep your golfing dignity intact.
Chapter 1: The Course Conspiracy Theories
The favourite starting point for any excuse arsenal is to blame the course. This is a safe choice because the course is an inanimate object — it will not defend itself.
- “Bad Greens”
The king of all excuses. Works in any weather, any city, any month. You missed a 3-footer? Obviously, it wasn’t your fault. The green had an invisible slope, a hidden bump, and possibly a small earthquake under it right as you putted.
- “Too Slow / Too Fast”
Greens are either “too slow” (you left every putt short) or “too fast” (you rolled every putt into the next district). There is no in-between. This is non-negotiable.
- “They’ve Changed the Pin Position”
Even though pin positions change every day, say it like you’ve just uncovered a national scandal. “They’ve put it on the slope, yaar. Even Tiger would three-putt here.”
Chapter 2: Blame the Equipment
When in doubt, turn on your gear. It’s not betrayal — it’s survival.
- “Wrong Ball”
Classic move. Say, “Oh no, this isn’t my regular ball” as you pull a Top-Flite from the rough instead of your trusted Pro V1. Bonus points if you claim your caddie gave you the wrong one and it “doesn’t spin the same.”
- “Driver’s Gone Cold”
Like it’s a sentient being that needs morning tea. You swing 112 mph into the trees, but no, the driver’s fault.
- “Putter’s Dead”
Always speak of the putter in past tense, like a deceased relative. “It used to be so good to me… until today.”
Chapter 3: Physical & Emotional Trauma
This category is gold because it gains sympathy and excuses the score.
- “I Haven’t Played in 6 Months”
Usually spoken by someone who played last weekend. But always delivered with the body language of a man returning from exile.
- “Back’s Acting Up”
A true classic. You don’t even have to fake a limp — just wince while picking up the ball.
- “Didn’t Sleep Well”
Followed by a dramatic yawn on the 5th tee. Works every time.
Chapter 4: Environmental Factors
These are for days when you need the blame to be everywhere but you.
- “Humidity’s Killing Me”
Somehow, you’re the only one in the group affected.
- “Too Hot / Too Cold”
Weather extremes are a gift. Just be careful not to contradict yourself if someone remembers you complaining about “too cold” last week in the exact same temperature.
- “Crowds Distracting Me”
Even if “crowds” means three uncles in the clubhouse sipping chai.
Chapter 5: The Self-Sabotage Excuse
These are dangerous because they admit fault — but in a noble way.
- “I’m Just Experimenting Today”
A beautiful shield. All the bad shots were research. You weren’t trying to score well; you were working on something.
- “Just Helping My Partner”
In match play, if your score is a mess, claim you were “protecting” your partner from having to make risky shots. You’re not a bad player, you’re a hero.
Chapter 6: Advanced Multi-Layer Excuses
For the truly gifted.
Example: “I’ve been busy with work, so I haven’t played much (Chapter 3), plus I got a new driver (Chapter 2), and the greens here are terrible (Chapter 1).”
This triple-layer excuse is bulletproof — no one can argue because it spreads the blame so wide it becomes untraceable.
Chapter 7: Emergency Exit Excuses
When nothing else works, you go nuclear.
- “I Think I’ve Got the Wrong Handicap”
Say this in a way that suggests you’ve been sandbagged by fate.
- “Golf Is a Cruel Game”
The philosophical route. You can’t argue with it, because it’s actually true.
The Truth No One Wants to Hear
Here’s the thing — and I’m saying this as someone who’s been in the game for decades: most of the time, it’s just us. Not the greens, not the humidity, not the pin position, not the caddie, not the ball. It’s us. Our swing, our decisions, our mental game.
But saying that aloud in the 19th hole? Terrible move. You’ll kill the vibe. Far better to laugh, blame the monsoon, and order another coffee.
Because excuses aren’t just cover stories — they’re part of the culture of golf here. They’re the glue that keeps the post-round banter alive, the spark for those stories we tell years later.
I’ve heard them all, I’ve used a few myself (don’t act shocked), and I’ve seen guys go from “bad greens” on the 4th hole to “too many divots” on the 14th without missing a beat.
And honestly? I love it. Because behind every excuse is a golfer who’s still coming back next week, ready to try again. The excuses are just the friendly padding we wrap around our bruised egos — the real game is in getting back on that first tee, no matter what happened last time.
So next time you have a bad round, feel free to pull something from The Great Indian Golf Excuse Book. Just remember the unspoken rule: deliver it with conviction, say it like you’ve just cracked a CBI-level mystery, and never, ever admit the truth… unless, of course, you’ve just won the round.
Rahil Gangjee is a professional golfer, sharing through this column what life on a golf course is like