Modern-day dating is like entering a different dimension in time. With so many “ships” sailing on the sea, the women who are already in a heterosexual relationship are often seen bearing the weight of emotional labour. This weight has been termed as ‘mankeeping’. From reminding their partners to text their friends to bringing up the difficult conversations in the relationship, the role of the partner is now transforming into just emotional upkeep.
An NYT report notes that straight men often rely heavily on their wives or girlfriends during emotional distress, according to therapist Justin Lioi. This habit effectively turns female partners into unofficial therapists and round-the-clock emotional caretakers. Meanwhile, Internet sleuths argue that the phenomenon called mankeeping is driving many women to step away from dating altogether and choose celibacy instead. Here’s a closer look at what mankeeping means and how it might be affecting your relationship.
What is Mankeeping?
Mankeeping was coined by psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara. A fellow at Stanford University, she describes it as the work of women to meet the social and emotional needs of the men in their lives. It is not just emotional intimacy, though. Ferrara’s research revealed why men struggle to form close bonds due to reduced societal support and encouragement of male friendships.
Mankeeping has been taken from kinkeeping, another term that defines the conventional norms for women. It refers to the work of keeping families together, including social commitments and making appearances. However, it is seen as an added burden on women, often normalised by other heteronormative relationships.
In a post in 2024, made by Ferrara explained Mankeeping in further detail. It was captioned, “We love that our work is generating discussion. Seeing this term help people name and legitimise their experiences in intimate bonds is exactly what we hoped it might do…”
‘Backward justification from feminists’
Spurring a debate on social media, this term triggered several reactions on the Internet. While some acknowledged the increasing social disconnection men face, others saw mankeeping as a real mental burden.
“I’ve heard it over the years from multiple liberal female friends and acquaintances who reject emotionally caring for their male partners, while my male friends generally lament the fact that they can’t really share much with their liberal wives and girlfriends. This is just another backwards justification from feminists to reassert regressive male expectations while liberating themselves of any and all social responsibilities,” wrote a user on Reddit.
Others went on to call it a “social media catnip” as a way of renaming ordinary things in an attempt to get clicks. Triggering pseudo-feminist debates and a clash between misogyny, mankeeping quickly became a ‘trending’ theme of the discussion.
Have relationships become a transaction?
The society had reached a point where it had acknowledged that marriage was a social construct, as stated by the liberals. However, netizens think that terming emotional expression as “mankeeping”, referring to burden or work, distorts the love in relationships to “just another transactional context”. Thus, concluding that it has become difficult to find a stable partner for the younger generation today.
Sharing an anecdote, a user discussed that “women I know actually prefer that our men come to us to talk about their problems rather than seek unhealthy outlets or just stay quietly miserable”.
While therapists find the root cause to be the social isolation men may feel while handling emotions, one cannot let the hacker terms be misused. Further, generalising behaviour to gender only trivialises the struggles one might actually be facing in an abusive relationship.
