I was privileged enough to be asked to attend the Masters of Wine Symposium this year. In fact, I have reason to believe that the organisers were momentarily possessed when they asked me to prepare something on the Indian market and make a presentation. They obviously don?t know me as well as my shrink, or parole officer for that matter? the second one, after the first one died under mysterious circumstances.
And when I say I wasted no time in getting to the task, I mean it in the less cheeky way i.e. I got to it right away. I felt like that other Mr M Singh who too has a similar job, of showcasing his country to the world beyond. And I, too, was carrying the burden of a billion people (when I left the country) who have constantly felt wronged by the Western world, mocked no end about their dressing sense, eating habits, transport muck, and choice of weekend shirts. That last one, on reflection, might have been a bit more personal though, I suspect.
And then, on the day of reckoning, I finally did it. I told people how we didn?t own elephants as we couldn?t afford to feed them, so much so that even the rats had vacated my premises to move on to greener pastures. I also described at length how cannabis is a weed because it grows and proliferates even undesirably so. However, I don?t recall or know why I shared this. And finally, I emphasised how trying naughty undermined tactics with a population known for copulation is not the best plan as they can get back at you in more ways than the Western World has learned to count to yet.
In the end, people clapped rather vehemently and I still feel it was some strange occidental clanish signal about sabotaging my flight back, because the service on Air France was absolutely deplorable. But then, service on board almost any European carrier is proof of nothing but their intrinsic European-ness, or what bitter bits are left of it.
So, for the next two days I had people congratulate me about how good the presentation was. But it was ironic that the biggest impression left behind was of the amount an elephant egests. Of all information that I had wanted to leave behind, the waft of pachyderm poo seems to have been most significantly memorable. It is the kind of memory I seem to have created that if I run into someone even a decade from apocalypse, they might not be able to place me but a mention of any of these sets of two words ?elephant and dung, cannabis and wine, India and Kamasutra?will bring back racing and raucous memories of my presentation and eventually, me. And to think, I was planning to wear a bright tie to make a lasting impression.
The data and some videos are online at http://www.mastersofwine.org/en/symposia/bordeaux-2010/forging-links-videos/emerging-wine-countries.cfm and I encourage you to have a look. If not mine, the presentations on Brazil, China and Russia will ensure that your time isn?t wasted. The fellow speakers I had are people you want to have over for dinner, everyday, because information and knowledge like that can?t be just had overnight.
Meanwhile, back to India, the good thing is, people now visiting our country will no longer be bringing their pillion-rider elephant saddles, but the on the flip side, they will expect us all to know the Kamasutra by heart. So go get busy at hospitality.
?The writer is a sommelier