Some version or the other of the two cow classification may have landed in your inbox at some stage, but if you missed out, here?s the latest, updated version. For the uninitiated, it describes various political systems in terms of economic policy and uses two cows as a metaphor. Socialism, for instance, means having two cows and having to give one to your neighbour. Under capitalism, you sell one of the cows and buy a bull, your herd multiplies, you sell them all and retire in Monte Carlo. But how would countries be classified today under the two cow system? Here?s the latest take.
The Indian system
The state gives you two cows under a rural poverty alleviation scheme. The official in charge of distribution takes one, the local MLA confiscates the other and starts a dairy farm funded by his own Member of Legislative Assembly Constituency Development Scheme. It?s called milking the system. An alternative system was developed in Bihar involving fodder, but that?s classified under the Sacred Cow Act.
The American system
You have two cows. You sell one and use the money to buy an artificial insemination kit on eBay so the other cow produces double the amount of milk as well as calves to increase your profit. With the extra money, you hire a lobbyist in Washington to press for a Bill to give cow owners a tax rebate. They call it Udder People?s Money.
The Greek system
You have two cows. You borrow heavily from the local bank to expand your business, constructing barns, automatic milking machines, feeding sheds, a cheese unit, packaging unit for milk cartons and an abbatoir. At the end of two years, you still have only the original two cows because you forgot to buy a bull.
The French system
You buy two cows. You want to sell them at a profit but in order to get them looking in good shape, you feed them truffles and caviar, rub them down with Moet & Chandon, and offer them a dash of cognac to make them sleep soundly. At the end of the year, they are sold at a heavy loss because it cost you so much to get them to look good.
The Italian system
You have two cows. You draw up big plans dreaming of a specialty cheese, flavoured yoghurt and a signature gelato. You discuss the plans with your mother, who approves. You leave the cows tied outside your house while you go off to have lunch. When you return four hours later, the cows have vanished, presumed stolen.
The Egyptian system
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot in Tahrir Square demanding that everyone should be entitled to three cows except the President, who should apologise for having promised everyone two cows in the first place.
The Japanese system
You have two cows. You miniaturise them so they are one quarter the size of normal cows and take up less space. The miniature cows are used to create a cartoon image, which is used to market products worldwide under the Hello Cattle brand.
The Swiss system
You have 10,000 cows. None of them belong to you but you charge all the owners for keeping them in a secret location where they are protected from external influences and can grow fat and prosperous.
The Chinese system
You have two cows. You employ 300 people to look after them and claim very low unemployment statistics and high productivity. You then market the produce as healthy soy milk and at such a cheap price that you drive all the multinational milk producers out of business.
The Israeli system
You launch a sneak attack and steal two cows from the Palestinians and bring them across to your side. To protect them from any counter attacks, you develop an elaborate system of counter measures and missile defence systems and call it Iron Dome. The cows came for free, the measures taken to protect them covers a quarter of the annual defence budget.
The British system
You have two cows. Both are mad.
The Pakistani system
You have two cows, which are paid for by the American government. You ask the Chinese for help in feeding and looking after them. You get them insured in Saudi Arabia against any defects, disease or premature death due to a drone attack. When they die from natural causes, you blame India and RAW for poisoning your holy cows.
The Australian system
You have two cows. They both give good quality milk and the cheese business you start also becomes successful. Since business is so good, you shut down the plant, give workers a week off and go out for a few beers to celebrate.
The Irish system
You have two cows. Since there is no space, you push them up to the attic. There, the manure piles up and brings the house down. It?s called the Irish solution to an Irish problem.
The writer is Group Editor, Special Projects & Features, ?The Indian Express?