Twenty-four hours after returning from Pyongyang, Bill Clinton was in a sparse room in Langley, Virginia. The sign on the door: CIA Interview Room No 1.

The former president settled in for a debriefing of his time with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. After all, Clinton had just spent hours with one-third of the Bush administration?s ?axis of evil?. His insights will be invaluable to the US?s understanding of what?s afoot in the most reclusive nuclear power. Here?s how the conversation might have gone.

CIA: Tell us about your North Korea trip, Mr President.

Clinton: Well, you guys really blew this one?as usual.

CIA: What ever do you mean? What exactly did we blow?

Clinton: I?m talking about Kim.

He?s hardly on his deathbed. Heck, I could hardly keep up with the little guy. He was full of energy and mugging for the camera. We talked for an hour before heading into a two-hour dinner. Death?s door? Imminent succession to his son? Keep trying, guys. Central Intelligence Agency? now there?s a contradiction in terms.

CIA: What kind of spirits was Kim in, Mr President?

Clinton: The guy was giddy. He even managed to seem magnanimous as we talked about him letting Laura Ling and Euna Lee go. He was, dare I say, enjoying himself. I mean I felt guilty eating imported cuisine and thinking about Kim?s people eating tree bark and being malnourished. Judging from Kim?s wine cellar and cognac collection, it?s not hard to see where all the money is going. Please don?t tell the FBI, but the cigar he gave me was Cuban.

CIA: Did Kim give you his e-mail address? The one he gave Madeleine Albright ended up leading to a check-fraud scammer in the Ivory Coast.

Clinton: Nah, not even a business card. Fishy handshake too.

CIA: Did you see any tubes or IVs sticking out of him? When he turned his head, did you notice anybody manipulating what could have been a joystick?

Clinton: Kim seemed human to me. Then again, my mind kept roving back and forth between two dueling images. One was that 2000 Economist cover featuring Kim saying Greetings Earthlings. The other was that 2004 movie Team America. You know, when a puppet version of Kim was dancing and singing ?I?m so lonely? and ?poor little me?? Man, did those South Park guys nail it!

CIA: Could you show us on this map where you think you two met? That?s right, just make a big red X there with this magic marker.

Clinton: Sorry, boys, it?s all a bit fuzzy ?jet lag and all that. I was too busy trying to avoid appearing like I was enjoying myself. I don?t think my wife Hillary, as secretary of state, would be too happy if I?d been pictured smiling and whooping it up with a tyrant.

CIA: Your trip is getting lots of flak here in America. Folks are saying it sent the wrong message?rewarded Kim with a propaganda victory.

Clinton: That?s just hogwash. Everything isn?t about politics. This was about two Americans in harm?s way and me being asked to help. Anyway, no one listens to that John Bolton anymore ?not after he angered the entire world, with zero to show for it, when he was United Nations ambassador. And remember, Kim went nuclear on George W Bush?s watch. President Barack Obama?s policies are swinging back in the direction of mine during the 1990s. Diplomacy is not a dirty word.

CIA: What about Kim?s son Kim Jong Un, who we believe is the heir apparent?

Clinton: I can?t speak to that. Although, I did tell Kim that Disney has some new attractions. You know, in case another one of his sons is trying to get there using a Dominican Republic passport.

CIA: After you picked up the two female journalists, can you tell us what happened on the airplane?

Clinton: Uuuhhh, just what are you implying?

CIA: OK, moving on. Any ideas about what Kim wants next? Did you get a read on what it will take to get him to dismantle his nuclear weapons programme?

Clinton: Yeah, Paula Abdul. News travels fast, and Kim knows she?s leaving American Idol. He figures she could give his economic stewardship a better image if she took charge of PR. The propaganda mileage would be huge for him. Kim likes that Simon Cowell, too. But Simon tends to speak his mind and wouldn?t fit in around Kim?s court. Sycophants only, it seems.

CIA: And what?s next for you, Mr President?

Clinton: Tokyo, to save Taro Aso. The PM is about to lose the August 30 election badly. And he now thinks I?m a miracle worker who can close any deal?even keep his Liberal Democratic Party alive. It?s not going to happen, but when you?ve got 15 minutes of fame, you ride them out. And, Japan pays well.

?Bloomberg