In the school of life, difficult people are the faculty. They teach us our most important lessons, the lessons that we would be most unlikely to learn on our own. ?Mark I Rosen
Dealing with difficult people is, perhaps, one of the biggest challenges of our lives?be it when establishing yourself at a new job, leading a team, managing a business or in our personal life. Almost always a time consuming or emotionally draining prospect, it?s a common practice for us to avoid it until it becomes inevitable.
But when you are able to manage these situations, or more appropriately manage yourself and your responses in these situations, you can make life less stressful and also begin to build new possibilities.
The art of handling difficult people can be mastered by focusing on three aspects?the other person, the self and the response. While we would discuss the first two today, tips for managing your response will follow in the edition on May 9.
The other person
Seek to understand: Every person has their own point of view and their own baggage. Remember that their issues are real to them, honour that and try to understand them. A useful tool is pay attention to their language. Their choice of words or some particular words they use more often will give you a hint about where they are coming from or what bothers them. Especially if you are their manager and their behaviour is impacting their own or the team?s performance, it is important for you to get to the root of what is causing them to behave this way. For example, if the person often says ?up against a wall?, you may want to ask what they think is the reason for this wall, where this wall starts in their mind and how they can be helped to overcome this wall.
Don?t try to change them: Accept the reality of who they are and focus more on your own response to them. Enforcing change, in all likelihood, may invite another power struggle.
Avoid the horns effect: The horns effect is a common cognitive bias where we judge someone poorly, based on one undesirable trait or an unfavourable initial impression. It is important to protect against stereotyping and look at people as complete human beings with positive as well as negative traits. Remember, colleagues whose agendas seem to oppose our own are not necessarily enemies. Try to identify the positives and see how to get the best out of them.
Understanding the self
Most relationship difficulties are due to the dynamics between two people rather than the negativity of one person. Yes, there are people in our life who seem very negative, who get on our nerves or simply do not like us. And there are those who attempt to intimidate or manipulate by being unpredictable and difficult. But remember, an emotional reaction sidesteps rational analysis. Self-protection and defensiveness is always the immediate response of our pre-conscious brain but we need to check our built-in fight, flight and freeze reactions as these responses may not serve our long-term goals.
Awareness of our own impulses and reactions will allow us to pause, deliberate and rationally choose the most effective course of action. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
* Am I taking personally something that is not specifically directed at me?
* Am I just trying to win the argument/prove myself right? What do I gain out of winning this argument?
* Is it my rational brain or my ego that is driving me to this response? Will I actually feel satisfied if I win this fight?
* Will I be happy with my behaviour at the end of this? Is this bringing out the worst in me and making me difficult to deal with too?
* Is this person always as negative as I believe him/her to be? Can I think of some examples when this person has behaved differently from my negative perception?
* What do I feel when I think about this person? How do I behave when I am feeling this way? If I could let go of my negative emotions towards this person how would I feel and behave?
We need to learn to control our automatic defensive responses such as ?I can?t let him get away with this!!? ?How can someone criticise me!!? etc. While this does not mean we become doormats, it does mean that we stand up to ourselves getting pulled into unnecessary duels.
Remember Einstein?s definition of insanity: ?doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.? So, if we want different outcomes to our interactions with difficult people, we have to focus on changing our responses and try to establish healthier patterns.
Watch this space on May 9 for the third aspect??Managing your Response??which will provide practical tips to manage our responses and bring out the best in our interactions with difficult people.
The author is a freelance transformation expert, trained coach, change management consultant and the CEO of a 32-year-old small business group
handashweta@gmail.com