Last Monday we spoke about understanding the other person as well as identifying the drivers of our reactions and responses. We highlighted the importance of noticing the triggers in our mind, understanding the motivators of our responses and also assessing whether these responses would result in desirable outcomes. Armed with this knowledge, we can effectively manage our behaviour and reactions when dealing with difficult people to create healthier interactions and achieve desired conclusions.

Here are some tips to manage your responses:

*Act normally: If you go into an interaction with a pre-conceived mind-set, your body language will give away signals and this may actually invite difficult behaviour from people when they feel you are coming with a negative expectation. Remember, people will mostly live up to your expectations so it?s better to go into each interaction with an open mind and give the person a chance to behave differently.

*Manage your expectations: You know the person you are dealing with and you know about their past behaviour patterns. Set your expectations accordingly and target at best a civil and to-the-point interaction. Does it make any sense to tell your secrets to a known gossip or rely on someone who is extremely careless? Accept the reality of what people are and set your expectations accordingly.

*Be specific and objective: Focus on providing real examples and don?t use generalisations. For example, instead of saying ?why are you always so aggressive?? you could try ?Your stand on X in yesterday?s meeting along with the louder pitch of your voice came across as a little overbearing. Could we ? ??

*Focus on the outcomes: Try to maintain focus on the outcomes and goal for which the interaction is taking place. Be precise in explaining what you want from them with specific examples of the quality of output that you expect from them. Avoid getting into tangential arguments/blame games.

*Try to notice and compliment the positives: Everyone has some qualities that can be appreciated. Difficult people may have task or efficiency related talents even if their interpersonal interactions leave a lot to be desired. Remember to find time to appreciate what is going well and not only to point out what is going wrong.

*Document: The spoken word is rarely remembered verbatim and is often coloured by the understanding and perception of the listener. If there is something you may want to refer back to, document. That can go a long way in pre-empting potential arguments.

*Build trust: Difficult people often have deep seated mistrust caused by negative behaviour of those around them, which, in turn, they may have invited by being so difficult! Try to break this vicious cycle by behaving positively and consistently around them and building a trust relationship. This can go a long way in changing their behaviour towards you.

*Be neutral: Try to stay away from sensitive or divisive topics such as religion, politics, office cribbing etc. If the difficult person tries to engage you in a discussion that you know will lead to conflict, change the topic or terminate the discussion politely.

*Don?t take it personally?be polite: When we feel challenged or threatened, it is common for our inbuilt defence reactions to come to the fore. These instinctive reactions were essential for our ancestors during the tough phases of the human evolutionary cycle but now need moderation according to the environment. Try not to blame yourself or the other person for the negative behaviour, it may not be directed at you alone. Don?t rise to the bait and try to be firm without being rude or offensive.

*Give yourself space: We are but human and there will be moments when you feel you cannot fully control your reactions. If you feel you are losing it, it?s better to walk away. Giving yourself time and space will ensure you give an evaluated, effective and definitely more intelligent response or reaction.

*Resist the urge to win the argument: Don?t get overcome by a need to win the argument and prove the other person wrong. While it is wise to firmly state your opinion, also remember that everybody is entitled to their opinions and you are not entering into a higher battle of right and wrong. A you-put-me-down and I-will-put-you-down kind of war is likely to just worsen their future behaviour and will not get you any closer to the desired outcome.

Interacting with difficult people is not something you can avoid, so stop procrastinating and start those steps towards creating fruitful interactions. 70% of the people I spoke to knew how to handle difficult people and scenarios but when faced with the actual situation, they threw their good judgement out of the window and ended up reacting impulsively and defensively. I hope these two articles will make you stop and think twice before you do that.

To conquer oneself is a greater victory than to conquer thousands in a battle.

-Gautam Buddha

The author is a freelance transformation expert, trained coach, change management consultant and the CEO of a 32-year-old small business group

handashweta@gmail.com