I kissed a girl at 14.
I kissed a boy at 18.
And I loved them both. And no, I was not confused. I am not confused.
It was the year 2014 when I fell in love for the first time. She was a junior from my school and I was head over heels in love with her and I hoped she was too. We exchanged glances during the morning assembly, we often bumped into each other in the corridor, and made excuses to visit each other’s classrooms, during lunch when our eyes met in the canteen, we blushed and there was something about her, her eyes, the way she smiled and how it formed dimples and I knew that I had never felt that way for anybody before. We became Facebook friends, and slowly I knew I was in love with her and she said she was too. We made it official. There was, however, always a hush-hush and fear of getting caught by teachers. We dated for almost five years and those were the most beautiful years of my life and the happiest relationship I’ve ever had. I found a friend, a confidant, a lover, and a safe space for myself. I never felt the need to be different around her, I was comfortable in my own skin, being myself, I could speak my mind and I knew I had somebody to fall back on. We went our separate ways later but I am glad she will always be a part of my life story.
When I started dating a guy in college, I was often asked, “So now that you are dating a cis guy, you are straight?”, “How can you be in a straight relationship and still have feelings for girls?” I often laughed it off, and judged people’s lack of knowledge. But then again I thought to myself as we go through socialization in the early stages of our lives, we are raised in a certain way, we are told to live life in a certain way, it’s a given that a guy must love a girl and vice versa. But why should others decide whom you want to love? What has a person’s gender got to do with emotional attachments?
Honestly, I never understood the concept of ‘coming out’, do ‘straight’ people ever walk into a room and decide to come out or talk about why they are straight? Like hey! I am xyz and I wanted to tell you that I am straight. No. But we are expected to come out of our closet, and be accepted by people around us, be gay in a certain way. To a few ‘coming out’ is a way to express themselves to liberate themselves from keeping their sexuality closeted and I respect that. But, is it really a choice if you have to convince other people or justify it in order to be accepted? Are you truly free then?
Well, coming back to my story. I had not ‘come out’ to people until a very long time. Maybe my relationship with her was my way of telling people that I had feelings for girls. I had crushes on guys, I talked to them, I blushed, I felt funny in my stomach. And I knew I could feel for guys too. I was confused for a brief period as I had never been with a boy before so I didn’t know if I would like one or ever be sexually attracted to one. But I was. I often thought it would be just girls I was attracted to. A few of my classmates never really understood how I could like a girl, some labeled me a lesbian, and a few thought I was an attention seeker, however, a few of them stuck with me and never made me feel like I was different or that I needed to justify my choices.
It took me years, a long long time to identify myself as a bisexual. I would go back and forth with my decisions and choices. I am an adult now and have had my fair share of good and bad experiences in relationships. I went on dates with girls and guys, I met some wonderful people and I know that I am not confused and I never was wrong about how I felt.
Initially, being queer in a world that still prefers heterosexuality never really allowed me to be open about my choices to the world and integrate them into my individual identity. I was sceptical I wouldn’t lie, I often concealed my relationship until I realised I was only concealing my identity.
My first encounter with a story of queer love was through the storytelling of Deepa Mehta’s Fire. I was too young to understand the intricacies of emotions in the film but as I grew older and delved into queer literature, films, and music, I realized how a whole group of people is looking at the world through rainbow-tainted glasses existing around us and within us.
Coming out is a journey of self-acceptance, the path to which can be quite challenging as it is often shaped by others’ opinions and preferences. There is no right time to tell the world that you are queer, there is no right gender that you have to choose to fall in love.
I loved a girl.
I loved a boy
I am bisexual. And, I am not confused.
