Let me start with the macrocosm. Our industry:

Do: We got to take ourselves more lightly, and stop being the official headquarters of stress. We are as expendable as staff welfare expenses. So chill. Let some one else pay the doctors.

Don?t: It?s time we told clients that we can?t edit before we shoot. No sir, it is important that we shoot first, before you can see the offline.

There?s so much of needless hurry. I wonder how they made babies. Did it take them less than 9 months? Or did they buck the system?

Coming back, how do we make our pet industry a little less stiff? For the offices that churn out 362 unexpected degrees of activation and other big sounding words, we are probably the dullest lot ever.

So what two things our people shouldn?t be doing, and should be doing? Here?s a peep at the microcosm:

When was the last time you saw Piyush Pandey (executive chairman and creative director, South Asia Ogilvy & Mather India) without his moustache? He just doesn?t leave home without them. I know you are a fun guy Piyush, but do something about those handlebars. Paint them, plait them, shave them, but please don?t leave them the way they are.

I also very seriously think you shouldn?t be ignoring your mobile. After all Vodafone is your client. I called to ratify, and yes, it kept ringing. Make an effort, hire someone to answer calls, or call me? there?s a new Samsung phone that can mimic you. Hehe.

Then there?s Balki (R Balakrishna, chairman and chief creative director, Lowe India). Good friend of mine. And a genuine fast bowler. Believe it or not, Balki and I used to open the bowling attack for Mudra just 22 years ago. Some people from the IIM Ahmedabad team might still swear that we chucked. Bloody losers!

Balki, I think you ought to pad up for the awards scene again. I am sure you don?t have to be so defiant about not participating. C?mon machha, after all you are into movies these days, and what a lovely optimistic plot this could be. About the errant son returning home etc.

Come to think of it, ever saw one Indian movie that truly captured the ins and outs of our agencies? At best, they badly misinterpret our lives, made illogical assumptions and make vulgar references.

Come home at 2 am. Have wilder parties. And laugh like hyenas.

Talking about movies, how can I not shake hands with Prasoon? The 30 second or even the occasional 90 second format is getting small for you. You are doing great injustice to yourself and the country by postponing the three-hour format. Take a year off, leave the sparkling teeth arena for a while, and write the big one. You are closer to the golden statue than anyone else I know. I have always been jealous of your writing, and every time I listen to your work, I curse myself. I am terrible at Hindi, and you make me feel worse on a daily basis.

Pops (KV Sridhar, national creative dirctor, Leo Burnett), I am not sure if the downturn has been affecting the fresh apples in your office, but I think every year your harvests from the award shows are nothing but spectacular. Ladies and gentlemen, and other conniving and colluding brethren in the hunt for Lions and Pencils, do as Sridhar does. Munch a few apples. You could have just cracked a natural source for Vitamin Metal.

Talking of metal, and other leading Indian metallurgists, I don?t know Agnello (Agnello Dias, founder and chief creative officer, Taproot India) too well. But I have bumped into him a few times. We have hugged too on occasions. But what an amazing human being! My limited interactions with you have been a few smiles and a few grunts. But that hasn?t taken away my attention from your humility and modesty. Lead and Teach.

Senthil, you very evil man. Haven?t you got tired of paying excess baggage? I think you are being selfish by not sharing the secret of winning big with the rest of us. Consider the option of starting an institution. I do know you can charge exorbitantly, and we will very happily pay you. I know a few agencies that will immediately line up for the early bird discount.

The one man who could do with lowering his mystery quotient is Josy (Josy Paul, chairman and national creative director, BBDO India). Just what?s behind that Gurkha cap buddy? I have heard a few tales that are yet to be confirmed. Ouch!

I cannot finish this piece without bringing Raj Kurup (chairperson and chief creative officer, Creativeland Asia) and me into focus. Two people who worked in one agency. Two people who left to start two different journeys. And two people who believed in ourselves. What two things can you learn from us?

One: You have to be Mallus who worked in Ahmedabad. Or you can learn to speak like a machine gun, and eat dhokla and fafodo. Two, you?d end up in agencies that start with a C and end with Asia. Raj heads Creativeland Asia, and I look after Cheil SouthWest Asia. In your case, you could always come up with Coconuts Asia. Or something nuttier?