[Statutory warning: I can?t promise that everything described here is an accurate reflection of what happens in Jodhaa Akbar. Parts of this review are as authentic a representation of the film as the film itself is of the Mughal era.]
It turns out that the controversy about historical authenticity in Jodhaa Akbar [hyperlink] has been such a waste of everyone?s time. This film is really at its most authentic when it abandons all pretence that it was made for any reason other than to bring together Bollywood?s two most beautiful people (and a lot of shiny jewellery). Take the magnificently show-offish moment where a shirtless Akbar (Hrithik Roshan) displays his swordsmanship while Jodhaa (Aishwarya Rai) watches in womanly awe. The scene exists completely independent of context?it?s about Hrithik as the ultimate alpha male, preening for Aishwarya; it?s about sending vicarious thrills through star-struck moviegoers of both sexes. With just a minor alteration in setting and costume, it could easily have come out of Dhoom 2 [hyperlink].
As it happens, this is one of the most assured scenes in Jodhaa Akbar. Unfortunately, most of the rest of the film makes a half-hearted stab at telling us about various things that may or may not have occurred in the mid-16th century. Yawn. Completely besides the point. Anyway, this is roughly what happens, or what I could make out as I drifted in and out of sleep.
An unreliable summary: The first few minutes give us the background on the many political intrigues of the time, in the stentorian but much-too-familiar voice of Amitabh Bachchan. Like a stern father-in-law keeping watch on Aishwarya after that kiss [hyperlink] in Dhoom 2, Bachchan?s presence looms large here. Most of the historical information is tedious and complicated, though there?s a certain fun to be had in seeing the kings of Hindustan depicted as petulant little boys, sulking, whimpering and clinging to their thrones. As the maharaja of Amer, Kulbhushan Kharbanda looks and sounds like he has serious breathing problems, and little wonder given the number of heavy necklaces weighing him down at all times. Meanwhile, on the Mughal side of things, there is Bairam Khan, a good old-fashioned medieval psychopath who uses his official status as guardian for the boy-prince Akbar to nurture a very personal fetish for lopping off enemy heads. Unfortunately for Bairam, the boy-prince soon grows up and dispenses with his services.
To prove that he is worthy of ruling the country, Akbar then takes on a wild elephant in a scene that is reminiscent of Hrithik?s superhero-race-the-horse in Krishh [hyperlink]. But what really puts his courage to the test is when he agrees to wed the Rajput princess Jodhaa to complete a political alliance: her long list of demands includes the right to sing bhajans loudly in the next room while he discusses matters of state with his viziers.
Sadly, this wondrous marriage remains unconsummated because by the time J & A have finished removing all those layers of jewellery, they are no longer horny, and only wish to sleep. This puts the future of the Mughal Empire in jeopardy….
Jabberwock
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