How Not to Do It Yourself

Written by Harneet Singh | New Delhi | Updated: Sep 29 2013, 13:54pm hrs
How not toThe unhappy company of self-help books
The unhappy company of self-help books: As somebody once said theres a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is simply the non-presence of success. Any fool can accomplish failure. But a fiasco...a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others that makes other people feel more alive because it didnt happen to them.

Drew Baylor, Elizabethtown

For someone who thrives on being the heroine of her own screenplay however sappy, mopey, dark or delirious it is I believe Im Drew Baylor. Im the folk tale told to others. Im a fiasco.

My story didnt start like that. Years ago, when I was graduating from college, my friends would use words like shiny and happy to describe me. And then life happened and with it came despair. It wasnt easy to deal with the diagnosis. I needed something that would make me accept the new me. I needed to upgrade my lifes software. I needed hand-holding and since most of my friends had given up on me because I was constantly moping for no reason, I fell for the read this book and itll change your life trap. I became a self-help addict.

It wasnt an easy transition because I abhorred pop psychology books. Come on, nobody wants to become the person who gets life gyaan from books, right But here I was. One day, I glanced at my bookshelf and I saw a row of self-help books. I dont remember the exact moment when I became the self-help reader but I had. I really took the blurbs seriously. I started believing that if I followed the instructions, my life would improve. I dedicated a few years to scout around and read every new book I could so that I could find happiness. The likes of Byron Katie, Rhonda Byrne, Paulo Coelho, Matthieu Ricard and Bren Brown became my roommates. I thought at least one of them would help me decode the happiness code.

They didnt. Slowly, I began to understand that the books that were supposed to make me happy actually made me realise that I was really unhappy.

They said: Ask and you shall receive.

I asked but I still didnt get the sorry I felt I should be getting from all those who hurt me. They said: You can heal your life. Really I cant heal a stress pimple on my face and Ive been meditating on it for at least six months. They said: When you want something, the whole universe conspires to give it to you. Aha! Ive been calling the Universe since The Notebook but Ryan Gosling still hasnt been delivered to my apartment! They said: You need to be positive all the time to be happy. Hello, thats just not possible, have you heard of something called the PMS Elizabeth Gilbert said, Smile from your liver. Umm, not applicable since Im so unhappy that I drank my liver. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying said, I eat when I eat and I sleep when I sleep. Clearly, the authors havent met a journalist chasing a story with deadlines whooshing over the head. I hardly sleep and I cant remember the time when I did nothing else but only eat.

So, as you can see, the books that were supposed to lead me to Happy Land led me to writing this piece. Its not that Im negating self-help books totally, Ive come to think of them like braces. They are important to strengthen a part of you, to keep it in place. But you outgrow them really fast.

Books can never tell us how to lead our life, only life has that privilege. But there are a few lessons I learnt in my years of life rehab. Ive learnt that you cant pre-order love, success or achievement. That we all get hurt. That its okay to feel lost. That nobody really knows anything, we are all fooling ourselves all the time. That the most empowering words are I dont know. That the only way you can learn in life is through people, but eventually, people will hurt you and thats how you grow. That the bestest prayers in the world are Help Me, Save Me and Thank You. That a break-up doesnt always need to feel like you are breaking. That forgiveness is the best gift you can gift yourself.

As for happiness The more self-help books I read, the more I came to the conclusion that, maybe, we are not supposed to be happy. Maybe, we are not wired to be happy. If we were, then we wouldnt be chasing it all the time. Ive made my peace with that. No book can change it for me. For now. Or maybe Ryan Gosling can. So what the heck Once more, with feeling: Hello Universe!