The meet of the matter

Dilip Bobb Posted online: Sunday, Sep 15, 2013 at 0000 hrs
Two historic events took place on Friday the 13th; one, the sentence on hanging in a Delhi courtroom, and second, the sentence in a Delhi conference room declaring Narendra Modi the BJPís PM candidate, which had been hanging for a while. L K Advani didnít show up but what if he had? Hereís how the meeting of the Hindu Undivided Family (HUF) could have gone, which unmodified, reveals the real story behind the coronation.

Party President: This meeting is called to order, and we will proceed without disorder and that is the order from Nagpur. The meeting is to announce the name of Narendra Modi as our prime ministerial candidate. We have to show the watching world, and TV cameras that we are a HUF, even though a few of us have been in a huff. It is time to put Modi up front and take the bull by the horns.

L K Advani: Bull, I mean why this holy cow approach? Letís be upfront about this; he is a divisive, polarising figure. A man of experience who has served in key positions at the national level would be a better choice.

President: We have considered your view. Letís hear from Mr Gadkari.

Nitin Gadkari: As someone involved in road construction, I can see that the road ahead will be smoother if Modi is announced. He is like a bulldozer that will flatten all opposition. We need to go full speed ahead.

Sushma Swaraj: Whatís the hurry? The country is used to driving slow because of potholed roads by shady contractors. We need to examine the bigger picture.

Arun Jaitley: From my experience at the BCCI selection committee, I can safely say that Modi is the right choice, baby.

Murli Manohar Joshi: Modi was actually the wrong choice for the BCCI as far as I recall, baby. However, from my position on the fence, the road ahead is not so clear. We must examine the Gujarat model more closely.

Venkaiah Naidu: The Gujarat model is our trump card. The BJP parliamentary boardís constitution needs to be modified so we can take flatten the opposition.

Advani: Itís already been Modi-fied, as far as I can see. My problem is that the national debate will be all about Modi and the issue of the Congress misrule and corruption will be ignored. The Gujarat model of 2002 will be revived and Rahul baba will be in the driving seat.

Rajnath: We need to crush Rahulís dreams in order to make Modiís dream come true. What are his dreams anyway? Nobody knows, but we need to crush them anyway since we have a bulldozer at our disposal.

Advani: Bull, I mean arenít we all being bulldozed? The Congress has called it a hostile takeover by Nagpur. We need to show some backbone and display our independence. We are the party with a difference, remember?

Jaitley: Why are we worried about Rahul baba? Nano is no match for NaMo. As a lawyer, I can say that this is an open and shut case. This is the rarest of rare opportunities and we have the rarest of rare candidates.

Sushma: Thatís what Iím worried about. We may have to pay a penalty for this decision. The Muslims will run away from the BJP.

Rajnath: Right now, they are busy running away from Mulayam Singh. We have eight months to convince them, as well as other minorities like the TMC, AIADMK, AAP, etc. that India needs a strong leader who can fulfill Indiaís dream of becoming a superpower. Even America will come running to us.

Advani: Naturally, since he canít go there.

Rajnath: Everyone is overruled. I have veto powers and we need to announce our PM candidate before everyone else to show we are a party with a difference.

Joshi: More like a party with differences.