As an USA (Unofficial Self-appointed Advisor) to the US president, I have prepared this speech on the subject of Making America Great Again. Since it is too long for Twitter, Donald Trump will deliver it on national television tomorrow. He has also agreed to stick to the script, but as a fail-safe it has been set up that Trump will merely lip-synch and the speech will be delivered in the voice of FDR, a president that Mr Trump admires. If there is any divergence between what you hear and Trump’s wagging lips and hands, please do not be perturbed. My fellow Americans, as you know I am going to make America great again. The first step is to ensure that all American children have the same opportunity as Chelsea Clinton’s child will have. There are 75 million school age children in the United States, and, while the most expensive schools in America cost something north of $40,000 a year—I know, we pay something like that for Barron—I have been told by some very smart people that a top-of-the-line education can be provided for $ 10,000 a year, particularly since the scale of demand will enable us to negotiate the best pricing for infrastructure and other equipment.
Of course, simply providing excellent schools in every school precinct of the country is not enough; a large number of households will need support in terms of ensuring a good home environment, tutoring in several areas and, of course, improving nutrition and eliminating the scourge of drug addiction. Entire neighbourhoods will have to be redeveloped and we will have to use some very clever incentives to effectively drive cultural integration—my sons have already started buying homes in poor neighbourhoods. It will take a lot of work but it is the very first building block to make America great again, the achievement I will always be remembered for.
All this will cost a lot of money and I have a plan that will also create millions (maybe tens of millions) of well-paid jobs, fulfilling another part of my promise to the American people. I have some very smart people who are working on this and, while they will have the exact numbers for the cost of this programme in a few days, they have indicated to me that it will be of the order of $2-3 trillion a year. But rest assured, I am NOT going to raise income taxes on anyone. Instead, and here’s the plan: There are a lot of bad people—shockingly, many of them American—who have huge assets held illegally off-shore.
I read somewhere that people from India hold about $2 trillion of assets off-shore; Americans, including many of my friends, I might add, must have at least ten times that, or $20 trillion, of assets held illegally overseas. I am hereby appointing that Preet fellow, who did so much damage to Wall Street crooks, to undertake a thorough investigation and provide me with a plan to bring back those assets. I know he will have a fight on his hands, but he—like me—always wins. In any case, we could simply invade and take over all the island tax havens, and take control of these assets.
Now, I understand that executing all this may take time—perhaps, even longer than getting anything significant through Congress. So, to prime the plan, I am proposing that we levy an annual tax of 1-2% on the value of all real estate in America, with a few exceptions—for instance, houses valued at $200,000 or less, which my people tell me is the median cost of a house in America (so poor people do not have to pay for their own upliftment) and, of course, all assets owned by my family (as a great American leader once said, if you ain’t gonna help family, who you gonna help). I have been told that this plan will put pressure on all assets, since some people will have to sell assets to meet these taxes. However, the same smart people say that the overall deflation of asset prices will help reduce the cost of making America great again.
There may be some opposition to this plan, both from people on “my side” and also from the fake news liberal elite, who would find themselves wrong-footed since while they could not but agree with the plan, which definitively addresses their supposed concerns about those left behind, they would also be personally affected by the tax on real estate assets, since many, many of them have second homes in the Hamptons and Aspen or Vail. Let’s see if they really want to make America great again.
I will do my best to convince all of them of the importance of this plan as the only way to genuinely make America great again—this is, indeed, a Second American Revolution, which began with my election. And I will remind people who oppose me of what happened in France not so long ago—no, no, not that hard-fisted Macron fellow, but long before that, when aristocrats and the elite lost not only their assets but also their heads. God bless all of you and God bless America.