Hedge-fund guy dips his snout in bailout trough

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Markets end week on a positive noteWorld stocks tumble on credit worries

: (that would be Patrycja, our Lilliputian receptionist) started hitting the phones and keyboards to flood the folks on Capitol Hill with dire predictions about the consequences of not passing the $700 billion bailout plan. We're pretty sure every trader on Wall Street did the same.

Four-way split

Also, can we finally kill this talk that the bailout could simply be handed to the good people of the US and the credit crunch would be solved? With 309,163,000 citizens at the last count, there would be just $2,264 per person, barely enough for a decent three-bottle steak dinner.

Instead, we believe that the Treasury should stick to its current plan to divide the $700 billion by four. Goldman, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America Corp. and Citigroup all thank you for your tax dollars in these troubled times.

Be assured, Short-Term Capital Mismanagement does have a contingency strategy, should we fail to get our snouts into Paulson's trough (or decide that the accompanying executive- compensation limits would be incompatible with the style to which I have become accustomed in recent years).

We are in talks with the central bank of Narnia, where our hedge fund is listed, to make credit available. To this end, we have cornered the market in Turkish delight.

Do you have any idea how much a pink sugar-dusted cube of boiled gelatin is worth in a reverse auction? Exactly, and neither does the central bank, so we are supremely confident of our ability to raise funds this way.

Booze, bets and lotteries

Finally, I am delighted to announce that our asset allocation committee (which currently comprises Patrycja and myself) is investigating three exciting new investment strategies designed to differentiate Short-Term from the pack of ailing, failing, underperforming hedge-fund managers out there.

Plan A is to pledge all of the assets with Irish bookmaker Paddy Power Plc, which is making a market on which major city will succumb to riots during the economic crisis -- Patrycja quite fancies a bet on New York at 9/4. Plan B is to buy booze. Our proprietary Gaussian stochastic analysis has determined that the $1,000 we invested in AIG at the start of the year is now worth less than $100, our Lehman shares are worthless, whereas spending the same amount on Duff beer would have generated $214 in cash from recycling the aluminum cans, plus a couple of worthwhile hangovers.