A backyard gusher? Only in my dreams

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: The root of many problems these days comes down to one word: commodities. Wheat and corn prices are driving up the cost of food. Fuel prices are driving up the cost of everything. Pork bellies are in there somewhere, mystifyingly.

I don’t claim to understand what’s going on, but it’s getting scary. I need to stop living at the mercy of the commodities producers, and get into the act myself. “Commodities maven” has a nice ring to it.

This puts in mind, a question that my son, Sam, asked at the age of 10: “Dad, what’s a job where you make a lot of money without doing much work?”

At the time, I suggested that he look into being born rich, and explained that the timing of such a transaction would be tricky for him. I had no other ideas. Of course, that was before we knew anything about Richard Grasso, the former head of the New York Stock Exchange, who recently won his tenacious battle to keep the $140 million he earned for… well, it’s really hard to say what the head of the New York Stock Exchange actually does that would merit that kind of money. All I know is that somewhere, Ralph Kramden is smiling.

We can’t all be Grassos. Still, maybe we - and, by we, I mean I - can still find a path to easy money. Picking stocks certainly hasn’t done the job for me, or for a lot of other people I know. And it turns out that you actually can go wrong in real estate.

That’s where commodities come in. First, I looked into black gold, Texas tea. Well, geologists say I’m out of luck. New Jersey is not a major producer of oil: there won’t be a pump jack in my backyard anytime soon. We live in one of those prim suburbs where people’s homes tend to be polished gems and their lawns are perfect. We fall short of that standard, though we don’t quite have a Chevy up on blocks in the front. But a pump jack wouldn’t seem too far out of the norm for us - sort of like our decaying jungle gym, but kinetic.