Therefore, it worried me no end that I did not have Aquarian eyes (``typically vague, with a dreamy wandering expression, and often blue, green or grey''). I have uncompromisingly dark brown eyes, which do look unfocussed once in a while, mainly when I'm hunting for my spectacles.Aquarian hair was supposed to be ``frequently straight and silky, likely to be blonde, sandy or light brown''. My own hair was as brown as my eyes, and curled when I wanted it straight, and stood straight as a poker when I wanted it to curl invitinglyabout my face.

As for silky, the amount of money I have spent on hair treatments to get that right would probably have financed, as my mother put it, ``another child in the family, probably with more common sense''. But let's look on the brighter side. Maybe the month I spent with a blonde streak in my hair would qualify me for ``secretly delighting in shocking more conventional people with occasional erratic conduct''.

``The height is usually taller than average,'' wrote Goodman. There was no way I could work my way around that one. It was anothergod, not Linda, who'd decreed that one where I was concerned. When I tell you that I'm five feet tall, let me confess, I'm cheating by about half a quarter-inch.

``Uranus features are finely chiselled, suggestive of Roman emperors cut on old gold coins.'' I went along with that one for many years despite evidence galore to the contrary. I knew that passport photo would look much better if only they didn't insist on both my eyes being visible.

But then oneday, I got to see a real Roman coin. The shock was mutual. Augustus (the nth) blurred perceptibly at first sight of me. And I couldn't recognise in that patrician, all encompassing nose any resemblance whatsoever to my own snub little edition, which my mother, in her more charitable moments, refers to as having had a truck crash down it.``Curiously, thanks to the dual sexuality of Uranus, there are...often masculine characteristics in the female body.'' Gulp! What? Good heavens! Who would marry me? That part I blacked out with my thickest black marker.``Freedom-loving Uranians can be acutely funny (see, I write middles?), perverse (who me?), original (of course that's me, never mind that I can only write about what happens to me), conceited (no, no, but then I remembered the Roman coin) and independent (no wonder I always wanted to eat Chinese when the rest of the family was rooting for pizza).''

``Uranus makes the Aquarian a natural rebel.'' I read my mother that one the very first occasion I could. I wasarguing about the futility of having daal every day for lunch, while Amma was listing optimum quantities of proteins and carbohydrates. She just took the book from me, pointed her finger fiercely at ``perverse'', and told me, ``That's you!'' Then she banged the book on my head and stomped out. Oops! I forgot to tell you, she's an Aquarian, too!

``Ordinarily, it's difficult to get an Aquarian to make a precise appointment...He doesn't like to be pinned down to specific duties or obligations at specific times.'' How true! But my teacher just didn't understand my Aquarian predilection when I walked in 15 minutes late for my class after recess. She didn't comprehend either that ``to try to pin down the Aquarian is to try to stabilise the butterfly, to stuff a spring breeze into a closet or confine a winter gale in a bottle''. I had to stay in class after school that day.

My friends found my absorption in Linda Goodman both peculiar and amusing, Well, they were Taurus and Virgo. None of the finer sentiments ofthe Air signs there. ``What's this you keep reading?'' they teased me, snatching away my book one day. ``Look here, it's absolutely true. It says `There's a fine line between genius and insanity, and your Uranian friends can sometimes make you wonder which side of the line they're on.' So, that's what's wrong with you!'' And they collapsed in a heap of giggles. I shrugged my shoulders philosophically and snatched my book back. After all, ``a peculiar sort of isolation hangs over the Uranian, and he's often misunderstood by mankind.''

Besides, they were well-built Sardarnis, towering over me. ``Aquarius believes in violent change, but he leaves the violence to others. He's not a moral or a physical coward. He just isn't geared for battle.'' I was an Aquarian after all.